Alcohol Quotes

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little. ~Herman "Jackrabbit" Smith-Johannsen


To good eating belongs good drinking. ~German Proverb


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ~Ernest Hemingway


Don't trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover. ~Jimmy Breslin


I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk. ~John Marcellus Huston


If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi. ~Author unknown, as seen on a bumper sticker


The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity. ~Author Unknown


If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic. ~Author Unknown


If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts! ~William Shakespeare, Othello


First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald


I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it. ~Raymond Chandler


Come, landlord, fill a flowing bowl, until it does run over;
To-night we all will merry be, to-morrow we'll get sober.
~Popular song, c.1700s


If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is to lie down a little while. ~Joseph Schenck


One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~Lady Astor


Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. ~W.C. Fields


It is most absurdly said, in popular language, of any man, that he is disguised in liquor; for, on the contrary, most men are disguised by sobriety. ~Thomas de Quincy, Confessions of an English Opium-Eater, 1856


The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind. ~H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, Fourth Series, 1924


Your body is a temple, but keep the spirits on the outside. ~Author Unknown


I like liquor — its taste and its effects — and that is just the reason why I never drink it. ~Stonewall Jackson


The bad taste of alcohol is there to clue in your body that you shouldn't drink it. Luckily I don't fall for "appeal to nature" fallacies. ~Corey Mohler, @existentialcoms


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra


What's drinking?
A mere pause from thinking!
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, The Deformed Transformed


I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. ~W.C. Fields


Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord. ~Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902


Upon occasion we should go as far as intoxication.... Drink washes cares away, stirs the mind from its lowest depths.... But in liberty moderation is wholesome, and so it is in wine.... We ought not indulge too often, for fear the mind contract a bad habit, yet it is right to draw it toward elation and release and to banish dull sobriety for a little. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca, "On Tranquillity of Mind"


Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. ~Robert Benchley


The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


I envy people who drink—at least they know what to blame everything on. ~Oscar Levant


Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully. ~Graham Greene


I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody. ~M*A*S*H, Hawkeye, "Ceasefire," 1973


No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness — or so good as drink. ~Lord Chesterton


Work is the curse of the drinking classes. ~Oscar Wilde


Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. ~Jean Kerr


Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar. ~Drew Carey


Hard work, worry and whiskey are the friends of man. ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962)


We borrowed golf from Scotland as we borrowed whiskey. Not because it is Scottish, but because it is good. ~Horace Hutchinson


Drunkenness is temporary suicide. ~Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness


It's like an angel crying on your tongue. ~The Mentalist, "My Bloody Valentine," written by Bruno Heller and Tom Szentgyorgyi, spoken by the character Patrick Jane, about alcohol


Drinking makes you happy with your body the way it is. ~Philip Rosenthal & Mike Royce, Everybody Loves Raymond, "Not So Fast" (season 9, episode 2), original airdate 2004 September 27th, spoken by the character Robert Barone, based on the comedy of Ray Romano


Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink. ~Author Unknown


Memory impairment: the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle. ~Big Bang Theory, "The Agreement Dissection" (season 4, episode 21, original airdate April 28, 2011), written by Lorre, Prady, Molaro, Kaplan, Goetsch, and Gorodetsky, spoken by the character Sheldon Cooper


It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns


I don't think I've ever drunk champagne before breakfast before. With breakfast on several occasions, but never before before. ~From the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's, 1961, screenplay by George Axelrod, based on the novella by Truman Capote, spoken by the character Paul Varjak


A man ought not never to get drunk above the neck. ~Author Unknown


Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. ~George Bernard Shaw


Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy, I've done it a thousand times. ~W.C. Fields


I believe that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade — and then try to find someone whose life is giving them vodka, and have a party. ~Ron White

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. ~William Butler Yeats


They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst. ~Scottish Proverb


Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin. ~P.G. Wodehouse


A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields


I drink exactly as much as I want, and one drink more. ~H.L. Mencken


Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either. ~P.J. O'Rourke


What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? ~Jack Handey


The drunk mind speaks the sober heart. ~Author Unknown


I'm going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver. ~Phil Harris


Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. ~Seneca


Whoever takes just plain ginger ale soon gets drowned out of the conversation. ~Kin Hubbard


If we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall in to this vice. The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and generosity. ~Abraham Lincoln, address to the Washington Temperance Society, Springfield, Illinois, 22 February 1842


I drink only to make my friends seem interesting. ~Don Marquis


Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss. ~Robert Heinlein


I'd prefer to have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. ~Frank Nicholson, attributed


Why don't you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini? ~Robert Benchley


Age and wedlock bring a man to his nightcap. ~William Camden's Remaines, c.1605


I don't get drunk — I get awesome. ~Author Unknown


Where ever I go, there I am. Drunk. ~Rita E. Torres


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~Henny Youngman


My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Henny Youngman


I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~Winston Churchill


Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied by drink. ~Mark Twain, Note-Book, 1935


Teetotalers lack the sympathy and generosity of men that drink. ~W.H. Davies


Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. ~Ambrose Bierce


I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk. We go to parties. ~Author Unknown


If food hath slain its thousands, then drink has slain its tens of thousands. ~William Kitchiner, Directions for Invigorating and Prolonging Life, 1831


Irish queer: a fellow who prefers women to drink. ~Seán Ó Faoláin


Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila. ~Author Unknown


Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third. ~Knute Rockne


Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker.
~Ogden Nash, Reflection on Ice-Breaking


If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin


Life's a waste of time, time's a waste of life so let's all get wasted and have the time of our life. ~Author Unknown


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers. ~Author Unknown


The nut-brown ale and the fine old gin
Right pleasantly they do suck.
~Charles Stuart Calverley, "Striking," Verses and Translations, 1862


Health — what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. ~Phyllis Diller


[O]ne sip of this
Will bathe the drooping spirits in delight
Beyond the bliss of dreams.
~John Milton


No poems can please for long or live that are written by water-drinkers. ~Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus), Satires


Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets. ~From the movie Arthur


How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink? ~Author Unknown


Vodka is just awesome water. ~Author Unknown


One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough. ~James Thurber


If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat — in other words, turn you into an adult. ~P.J. O'Rourke


The first glass is a sedative, the second a psychologist, the third glass an excuse, and the fourth a lobotomy. ~Terri Guillemets


Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey. ~"Pappy" Maverick, in Maverick